I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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