The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
