i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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