my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
