you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Four minutes until I can fart!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
