just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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