Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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