I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
