He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
