i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
