Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
