make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
