just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
