I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
