So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
