you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize