I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
