need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
