Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
