Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
