Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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