peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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