I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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