That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
