Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
