Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
