He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
