my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize