Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
