I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I checked into jail on foursquare
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
