I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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