when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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