i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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