Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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