Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
