I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
