Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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