I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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