Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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