I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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