Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
