did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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