i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
