did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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