my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
