finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
