Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
