oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize