my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
