I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize