Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
