i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
