the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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