you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
