I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
