I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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