thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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