Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
