last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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